


You Weren't Supposed to Choose Me

by Aki (Akiko_Natsuko), The_Disaster_Tiefling



Series: 365 Days of Fandom [16]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Gen, Revivfy, Serious Injuries, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 10:59:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17486882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Aki, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Disaster_Tiefling/pseuds/The_Disaster_Tiefling
Summary: Revivify. 300gp Diamond (consumed): Touch a creature that's died in the last minute. It revives with 1 hit point. This spell can't revive a creature that died of old age, and it can't restore missing body parts.It had been common sense to invest in diamonds for the group, especially after Molly. However, Caleb hadn't been under any illusions - the diamonds belonged to the group, but they would never choose him.





	You Weren't Supposed to Choose Me

    Caleb had agreed to the idea of the group purchasing diamonds for Jester to use. It had been common sense, although if pressed he would’ve admitted that his thoughts were on the memory of Nott in the mouth of the Manticore, bloody and still. He could have lost her then, just as they could have lost others in subsequent fights, too many of which had wound up with at least one person teetering on the edge. Just as they had lost Molly…not that it would have made a difference if they’d had the diamonds then, as they had been down a Cleric, and as skilled as he was with magic, he knew that was beyond him.

   So, yes it was common sense, and he hadn’t hesitated as he’d added what little gold he had to spare to the pile. It would mean his latest spell would have to wait, but as his eyes met golden ones as Nott also passed coins across to Jester, he decided that it was worth it as long as he didn’t have to lose anyone else.

    They managed to buy just enough diamonds for one chance. One spell. They all knew that meant they had to be careful, and that Jester could only use that spell when there was no other choice. However, as Caleb watched Jester gingerly wrapping the diamonds in cloth and tucking them away in her pouch so that she would know exactly where they were, if or rather when she needed them, he knew one other thing. If it came down to a choice between him and another member of the Mighty Nein, they wouldn’t pick him, and he wouldn’t want them to, because these people. As crazy, and abrasive as they could be had come to mean a lot to him in a short space of time, and in the balance of things, he knew that his life was not worth the same as them.

_They won’t pick me._

And he was fine with that.

****

    He’d almost forgotten about the diamonds because the Gods had been smiling on them recently and they had been coming through their fights a little less battered each time. Some of it was experience as they learned to fight together, discovering each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and learning to plan.  It also helped that they were now travelling with two healers, lessening the burden on Jester, and meaning that it was easier to stop injuries from getting that serious, or at least to heal them before they needed to resort to the diamonds. And maybe that was why it happened. Maybe they had grown so comfortable with their current composition, that they had grown complacent, or maybe it was fate because heavens knew he had done more than enough evil in his life. Or, maybe it was just pure bad luck. Either way, all he knew was that the current of the battle had suddenly shifted between one breath and the next, and what had seemed like a simple job was becoming a rout, with them on the wrong side of it.

    Beau was down, her arm meant at an awkward angle, and Yasha stood over her, clearly itching to use her healing magic on her, but currently forced to focus on keeping the recently manifested elemental at bay. Her sword a blur of motion as she parried its attempts to get to Beau, and she was holding her own, but that left them both trapped in place.

    Jester and Clay were practically back to back on the far side of the narrow ravine that they had been herded into, the air around them crowded by their Spirit Guardians. And for now they seemed to be holding their own, but Caleb had distantly been keeping track of their spells, and he knew that they would be running on fumes soon.

   Fjord was moving towards them, Falchion flashing as he cut down a bandit before turning to fire an Eldritch blast at the Elemental harassing Beau and Yasha, hoping to distract it enough to let the pair move, but the spell glanced off it, earning an enraged howl from the creature.

And Nott…

      Caleb wasn’t a brave man by anyone’s definition, let alone his own and yet he didn’t hesitate as he saw his companion slammed back into the wall, a scream torn from her lips as a dagger tore into her shoulder. _No._  He couldn’t, wouldn’t lose anyone else, and there was fire blackening his fingertips even as he rushed forward, forgetting all about staying at the back. The flames came with merely a thought, always just below the surface, and then her attacker was falling back, screaming as the fire claimed him, and Caleb could feel himself beginning to slip, his mind drawn back to another fire. Another voice screaming for help.  He tried to fight it, knowing that they weren’t safe here, trying to cling to the fact that he had protected Nott, the little Goblin already straightening with a wince, but the memories were relentless, and he was falling.

    However, before his arm had even fallen back to his side, his mind just hovering on the brink of the flames, something slammed into him, driving all the air from his lungs, and startling him back to the present in the most painful way possible. _Was…?_ It took a moment, his mind still torn between his fear for Nott and his memories, before his gaze moved lower, comprehension spiking through the numbness as he spied the shafts now protruding from his body. _Oh._ He stumbled now, his body having caught up with the impact, but he didn’t fall, somehow managing to lift his head and seek out Nott.

     She was already moving towards him, the lean to the side telling him that she was hurt worse than he’d thought, but she was moving, breaking into a sprint even as she lifted her crossbow and for a wild moment, it looked as though it was aimed at him.

“Watch out!” She was screaming, but he was too slow to respond, one foot still in the past and then she was firing, and he almost felt it brush past him the shot was so close. There was a grunt behind him, too close behind him he realised, the warning beginning to make sense but it was too late. He was turning, fresh sparks dancing between his fingers, when there was a sharp, burning sensation in his side, that made the previous pain seem like a scratch. Someone was screaming, and he thought that it might be him, as whatever it was twisted, burrowing its way deeper and deeper. He tried to jerk away from it, but there was a warmth against his back now, and breath tickling his neck, and he found himself trapped in place.

Unable to move. Unable to breathe. Unable to escape as the burning intensified and spread until his whole world seemed consumed by it.

    Then Nott was there, a flash of green and black in the corner of his darkening vision, and her teeth were bared in a snarl, the short sword a blur of silver in her hands as she sprang past him. There was a grunting cry, like a pig put to the slaughter just behind him, and then the warmth and the pressure was gone. Replaced by a tearing sensation in his side, as whatever had been twisting deeper and deeper was torn back by the weight of his assailant, and now he knew he was screaming because it burned, like ice and fire and lightning all blended into one.

    Now he was falling again only this was different, because he was aware of every second of it, his body seeming to take forever to crumple to the ground. And it was a different kind of fire that engulfed him now, the impact with the ground, igniting every one of the wounds and sending pain lancing through every inch of his body. He nearly passed out then, and he almost wished he had because the pain wasn’t fading, and there were tears in his eyes as he blinked them open, staring at the sky above, and wishing that he was far away from here.

“Caleb! CALEB!” Nott was screaming as she reappeared at his side, sounding more distraught that he’d ever heard her before, and it occurred to him that he should say something or at least curl his fingers around the tiny hand that he could now feel clutching his.

“N…” The words wouldn’t come, a whimper rising in their place and his fingers…no, his body wasn’t listening to him anymore, and he blinked, finding it harder than before to open his eyes once more. Everything felt heavy. Useless. Numb. The last one terrified him because while he wasn’t a healer and knew no more than the basics that had been necessary to keep himself and Nott more or less in one piece, he knew that was a bad sign. That the pain that had been all consuming before was fading, becoming lost in the grey haze that was slowly seeping through his mind, muddling his thoughts and making it harder and harder to stay awake, to focus, and he swallowed as a single thought became clear amongst the haze.

_I’m dying…_

    Maybe that why Nott was moving, no longer screaming at him, her head turned as she yelled for someone else. He couldn’t make out the words, their meaning lost to him now, and there was a pang at the thought that he was going to die without anyone paying attention. Without anyone seeing. _That’s how it should be._  Even like this, those thoughts wouldn’t stop plaguing him, and he almost laughed, a brittle, broken noise, that was more a groan than anything else. It was enough to swing Nott’s attention back to him, and through the film that seemed to have settled over his eyes, he could just make out the tears swimming in her eyes and beginning to trickle down her cheeks. She was saying something, and he thought that he made out the shape of his name on her lips, but he wasn’t sure, the sound no longer reaching him as his eyes began to close.

Only this time he didn’t manage to open them again.

_I’m sorry._

****

    Death was louder and more painful that he had expected, and there was no sign of the flames that he had been certain would be waiting for him. Instead, there were hands. Hands on his chest, on his cheek. Warm hands, gentle hands…gentler than someone like he deserved, and he was fairly sure that they were shaking, trembling, and he blinked, trying to focus on that rather than the pain. _Was…?_ He didn’t understand what was happening, he didn’t understand why the blink had afforded him a fleeting glimpse of the same blue sky he had been under before, or the faces that had been peering down at him.

“Caleb?” He didn’t understand, but he knew that voice, although it had been a long time since he had heard Jester sound that distraught. A sound that he had hoped to never hear again, and he blinked again, still struggling to focus as he tilted his head towards the sound. The movement exhausting what little strength he’d had, and he found himself helpless to do anything but blink at her as he realised that it was her hands that were resting against his chest. She was crying he realised, blinking again, disorientated as for a second it seemed as though there two of her, and another shadowy figure seemed to loom behind her before disappearing between one breath and the next.

“J…” His voice didn’t want to cooperate, but that tiny broken sound seemed to be enough because suddenly she was smiling through the tears, and shouting to someone he couldn’t see that ‘it had worked’ although he didn’t understand what she was saying.

“C-Caleb…” There were arms around him now, hugging him tight, and he couldn’t hold back a groan of pain, because everything still hurt, a burning, sickening pain that seemed to grow with each shaky breath. However, there was no mistaking the golden eyes peering down at him, still brimming with tears, although the redness around them told him she had been crying for a while, and he frowned, something beginning to tickle at the edge of his awareness. _I was dying…_ He remembered the sheer certainty of that thought, the fear, and the acceptance that had followed, and yet here he was, apparently alive because he hurt too much to be anything else.

“N-N…ott…?” He doubted that anyone would be able to understand the broken, whisper, but Nott’s eyes lit up, and she was giving him a toothy smile that would’ve terrified most people but warmed his heart, even as the tears continued to fall. However, the smile was short-lived because her embrace had tightened at the sound of her name, and he hadn’t been able to hide his pain, and at once the smile was gone, replaced by the fierce protector who emerged whenever he was injured.

“Jester?” For all her fierceness, it still came out as a plea, and there was a note of something else in her voice this time that he didn’t recognise. It was there in her eyes too, he realised as she glanced across at the Cleric, and he found himself following Nott’s gaze, his mind slowly trying to piece together what had happened, although the pain was making it hard to focus. Jester was shaking her head, sniffling as she did, and he felt her fingers curl against his chest, startled to realise that she hadn’t moved away.

“I can’t, I have nothing left…” Jester whispered, sounding exhausted and Caleb blinked, feeling a flicker of panic as he remembered they had been in the middle of a fight. _Where are the others? What happened?_ His thoughts were like quicksilver now, too many for him to count, and the pain made it impossible for him to seize on just one of them, leaving him with nothing more than a crippling fear that something bad had happened.

“Here.” As though summoned by his panicked, questioning thoughts Beau appeared in his line of sight, passing something to Nott. “This will tide him over until we can get back to town.” She looked odd too, redness around her eyes in stark contrast to her scowl as she glanced down at him, before turning away, shoulders shaking, and he wanted to ask. He wanted to know what was going on, but the words wouldn’t come, and then Nott was there, a bottle in her hands, and it took him a moment to recognise it as a healing potion. Once he had, he was compliant as she lifted his head and encouraged him to sip, grimacing slightly at the taste, and realising that it was only a minor one, when it only took the barest edge of the pain.

    Still, even that was a welcome relief, allowing him to focus a little more. The new position had also allowed him to look down at himself, stomach churning as he took in the red marring the front of his clothes, remembering the arrows that had struck him, although someone had managed to remove them while he was out. However, more worrying was the stain spreading across his side, and he reached for it with trembling fingers, realising his mistake too late, as the movement had him writhing and gasping, not even the healing potion enough to hold this new pain at bay.

“Caleb!” Jester was leaning over him, the hands on his chest firmer now, although cautious of his wounds as she tried to hold him in place. “Stop! Stop Caleb!” He wanted to listen, hearing the panic in her voice, but it hurt, and everything was screaming at him to move, to get away from it, his mind still too far gone for common sense.

“Caleb!”

“Caleb! Stop it, you’re going to make it worse!” There were other voices now pleading with him to stay still, and then there were more hands, these ones calloused and strong, although still gentle as they gripped him.  “Stay still.” Beau. It was Beau who was holding him down now, her fierce scowl ruined by the panic in her face and there was something about her expression that made him listen, or maybe it was just the fact he was running out of strength, his head lolling to the side as exhaustion took over.

“I’m sorry,” Jester was speaking again, leaning over him, waiting until he managed to meet her gaze before continuing.  “I know it hurts, but as soon as we’ve rested, I’ll have both you and Caduceus back on your feet I promise!”

“Cad…?” His voice still didn’t want to cooperate, cracking and breaking, but it was easy enough to follow her gaze as she glanced over her shoulder, and he blinked as he saw Fjord and Yasha carefully loading the unconscious Firbolg onto the cart. _Oh…_ His frown deepened because he could see that even though they were clearly worried about Caduceus, their attention was split, catching the frequent glimpses they were sending in his direction, and he didn’t understand. “Wh…at… happen…d?” It took everything he had just to force that out, and he wasn’t sure if he would be awake long enough to hear the answer because the exhaustion was tugging him under, dragging him under, his eyes flickering shut.

“We nearly lost you,” Nott whispered, trembling as she leaned over him, and goblin fingers curled against his cheek. “If Jester hadn’t had those diamonds, and had that spell prepared…”

    _Saved me._ It took longer than it should for the meaning of those words to sink in, his mouth opening and closing, eyes struggling to stay open as he tilted his head towards Jester who met his gaze with a soothing smile. Unfortunately, it was anything but soothing as the full weight of her decision settled over him, a lump rising in his throat. _No…_ His eyes were closing now, and this time he didn’t fight them even as he heard Nott calling his name, letting himself be drawn back down into unconsciousness with one thought haunting him.

_You weren’t supposed to choose me…_

 


End file.
